A great friend of mine once had a conversation with me about how to deal with the hurt caused by a significant other. How do you cope and move on when you feel like you’ve been tossed aside for someone else to be your replacement? I told her that I really couldn’t answer that question. I told her that I could only imagine that you move on with business as usual. One of the reasons why you need to, is because they already have. But, it’s easy to encourage someone to move on with life. The hard part is in the actual doing. However, one wouldn’t know how hard the implementation is until, they themselves are found in the same or a very similar situation.
With a new understanding, I began to culminate some responses and coping mechanisms that I believe to be beneficial to someone dealing with this type of hurt. In this piece, I plan to list and explain my positions. Remember always, that it’s to each his own:
1. Put away the self -hatred – NO ONE is perfect. We all make mistakes; but, we are not mistakes. Sometimes in relationships, things happen that might be our fault. You can only learn from your mistakes and work on making yourself a better person for the next person that comes along. Don’t spend so much time blaming yourself for what happened. You were not the only person in the relationship. For every action there is a re-action – and their reaction is just as significant as your action was.
2. Make the necessary changes – for you. If you were the cause of the break up (meaning, if it ended because of something positive that you failed to do), work on making those changes. If your lack of conversational skills was the problem, work on learning how to express yourself. If it was a drinking problem, get into a program. Whatever it was, work towards rectifying that. But don’t do it for a person. Do it for you!
3. Never become complacent – Often times, we get into relationships and then get lost in them. We walk in with goals for ourselves that we plan to accomplish. But somehow, we begin to lose ourselves in the honeymoon of our relationship. And, we begin to place that person above ourselves. Unfortunately, while you are busy being lost in a “thing” you are losing yourself. Goals become tabled and you become okay with just this. You just never know when it’s going to end. And while it might not, there is no reason for you to put aside the goals you had. In many cases, it’s what drew them to you. And eventually, your lack of motivation and drive may be what drives them away from you – leaving you standing in the same place you began.
4. Listen to what they say – You know when someone isn’t 100% into you because they say it. Body language, comments, and your gut will tell you. Don’t get caught up in thinking you can change someone – because you can’t. If someone says that they love you, but everything that they are doing does not reflect that, walk away before you get too caught up. Don’t stick around to be their fool. Many people can’t be alone. And so, it’s nothing for them to take you for a ride until the next best thing comes along. Take the ride if you want to, but when your stop comes, know that you will walk out the car or be thrown out.
5. Never forget your worth – A breakup is a horrible thing; especially when it is done in the most callous of manners. It sometimes is enough to break your spirit and will to do or even care. NEVER FORGET YOUR WORTH. Even when they forget it, remember that you are worth more than some person’s hasty opinion. Use every negative as a reason to move forward and be better. Don’t start to question yourself and wonder if it’s you. Do what it takes to be the best for the next person that comes along.
6. Let your ill will die – People get theirs, PERIOD! If you were in a situation where someone was simply leading you on, it’ll come back. In the meantime, work on forgiving them and yourself. That’s the hardest part of it all – but it’s the most important. When you stop hating, your heart will begin to soften again. Letting your hatred for that person die isn’t something that you do for them, it’s something that you need to do for you. I have found it to be more beneficial to work towards loving than it is to harbor hatred. People feel hatred and hurt exuding from you – and it oftentimes keeps them from wanting to be a part of your life. When you hate someone so much, you close your eyes to the possibility of someone better coming in. Finally, it takes too much energy to hate. Your ex is not worth you exuding all that energy – they just aren’t. Stop giving them power over you.
7. Open your heart – People will hurt you! But that doesn’t make every person bad. There are people who love wholeheartedly and understand what it truly means to be a good partner. Failed relationships happen, but don’t allow that to jade your perception of what love can mean.
You don’t have to be religious to learn from this scripture. It’s my mantra for failed relationships:
Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).
Hey mama- I hope you find some peace in these words. I wrote this one just for you!